McCarron

Assiniboia Downs: From the root, “ass”…..you see where this is going, need I say more?

 
Colonial Downs: Colonial Downs was formed by a group of British loyalists that didn’t feel comfortable with taxation without representation, but wanted to preserve the characteristics of their home tracks. Therefore, these patriotic new Americans vowed to keep as many races on the lawn as possible. To this day, the families of the founding fathers of Colonial are miffed that the races are run with left-handed turns, but are thrilled with the steeplechase racing and multiple turf courses.

Delaware Park: For those of you less geographically inclined, Delaware is a tiny strip mall and toll way that sits between the Philly and Baltimore/D.C. metro areas. The first state to ratify the constitution, Delaware, with less than 900,000 people, is known as the, “Blue Hen state”. Due to the poor quality of thoroughbred racing at Delaware Park infused with racino cash to keep purses high, the state is considering altering the state motto to, “The Expensive Pet Racing Sled” state. It’s a bit of a mouthful, but has a nice ring to it. Delaware is considering trading the naming rights to the “Blue Hen State” plus a sixth round draft pick in 2009 to Maryland for the Preakness, some crab cakes, and Andy Beyer.

 
Gulfstream Park: Much like Calder, the origin of the name comes from a Latin root meaning “old” or “geezer-like”. However, the entomology of Gulfstream digs a bit deeper. It shows that the complete name actually includes some nomenclature suggesting something more along the lines of, “old people in tiny grandstand with much slot noise and all early speed with overrated track announcer and chalky outcomes especially on the biggest race days, which are not as big as they used to be”.

 
Montaineer: This track, located in “Wild, Wonderful” West Virginia was founded by a couple of hillbillies, Orville and Jimmy, that fondly recall a trip they once took to New Orleans in 1974. They loved the gumbo, drinking, and mayhem associated with Mardi Gras, which they later found out actually meant Fat Tuesday in “Paris talk”. When Orville fell into some money through the unexpected sale of his dirt farm, they founded Mountaineer on a handful of tenets:

(A)  Parties are at night, so racing is at night

(B)   Since Mardi Gras means Fat Tuesday in Louisiana English/French, Fat people should be able to come to the track on Tuesday nights and watch live racing

(C)   The party needs to continue throughout the year, which is precisely why the season at Mountaineer is so long

(D)  Since Louisiana is known for good ol’ fashion corruption, cheating is encouraged by all local trainers

Jimmy was a little hammered on Stroh’s when they drew up plans for the oval, which is why the track appears to be on some sort of a bizarre angle. Them boys are somethin’ else, ain’t they!

 
Suffolk Downs: With the picturesque landscape of East Boston as a backdrop, the blue line of the “T” zooming through the backstretch with regularity, track patrons often believe they are actually at Saratoga, Ascot, or Longchamp. Suffolk is named for the region of eastern England characterized by beautiful low-lying wetlands, which is why the track is perched near the Atlantic Ocean. It’s been said that the combination of the visible public transit, empty grandstand, sporadic drunks, low handle, horrid racing, and lousy simulcast signal are all part of the rustic 19^th century Throw-back feel. As a college student in equally beautiful Worcester, MA, I actually mapped the track grounds for a geography course (hey, it was an excuse to use school to get to the track!) and found an additional charming part of the track, the public urination area.

 
Turfway Park: Germanic context meaning, “chalk loving public handicapper/track announcer”. Baron Von Gainingground was instrumental in originally settling the land in Florence, Ohiotucky along with his able surfs, Rölf Ontheoütside and Klaus Andtherehof. This is precisely why Battaglia uses their last names in EVERY RACE CALL.

Blue Ribbon Downs: This one is just too easy………

Del Mar: Spanish for, “where the wax coated plastic fibers meet the surf”

Fair Meadows: An interesting side note on this little known track in Tulsa, Oklahoma is that it was originally named by an individual known for his direct manner. Well Below Average Meadows was the name used at the inception of the bull ring. 

Hollywood Park: Rear Admiral John Bute is credited with the discovery of Hollywood Park. There is currently a debate on the subject, as the living relatives of Thomas C. Claimer are currently fighting that assertion. The Claimer family has flexed their muscle on many occasions as the condition book at the track is now filled with nothing but the races attributed to their surname. 

Los Alamitos: Largely credited to the exploration of the Alamitos clan, a nomadic Spanish group that preferred to travel at night, 870 yards at a time. The head of the group was a notorious cheapskate that often would make change for a peso by giving back 70 centavos. To honor his memory, track management determined the guaranteed Pick-Four would never pay more than $70.00.

Prairie Meadows: Sitting Bull was named as such for sitting in front of a slot machine with a pink phone cord tied around his wrist that connected to his frequent Tee-Pee card at the “lucky 7” buffalo head nickel machine near Altoona, Iowa.  Sitting Bull is credited for coining the phrase, “racino”, which unfortunately at the present, involves very little RAC and a lot more INO.

Santa Anita: Originally settled by Saint Anita or ‘Hot Annie’ as she was known to Paul and Luke. Annie was quite well endowed, which is why many of the male Saints tended to pay more attention to her than the more flat-chested Sabina or plain faced Sofia. This track features a few oddities that no other North American track can boast:

(A)  A downhill turf course with a right handed turn, although ever so slight

(B)   A crowd filled with enormous fake breasts, although ever so fake, to honor the spirit of Saint Anita

Turf Paradise: Paradise is a Persian word with an implicit connection to the Garden of Eden or with Heaven. Turf Paradise, largely due to the quality of the horseflesh and average daily temperature in Phoenix, implies more of an antonymous Hell/Hades/Styx origin.

Woodbine: A group of three young men from Canada are credited with what is known today as Woodbine. Jean-Luc Exactor, Francois Exacta, and Cam Perfecta grew up playing pond hockey together. Aside from a common fondness of hockey, the boys also were uniquely interested in multiplication tables. The three remained strong friends until one day an argument split the group. Collectively, they invented the concept of a horse racing wager that involved the top 2 finishers in exact order. The sheer fame and pride involved with naming the bet tore the group apart. Eventually, Jean-Luc won out and Francois and Cam moved to the United States to start their own pari-mutuel naming legacy. The group has since started to patch things up. Plans are in the works for a live reality based reunion show to reunite the group. Check your local listings, MTV-Nova Scotia, Tuesdays at 3:30pm, the time slot directly after NTRA presents, “Wire to Wire”.

I recently unearthed a fantastic historical document that actually lists the entomology and history of selected track names in North America. Here is a brief excerpt:

 
Aqueduct: Named for one of the Duke of Elmont’s favorite servants.

 
Arlington Park: Latin: hottus buglerus

 
Bay Meadows: Exact translation from greek to English: “Mixed Use Development”

 
Belmont Park: Named for the Duke of Elmont. The little known Duke of Elmont enjoyed traffic, noise, small crowds in big places, and many objects of large circumference. According to the Elias Duke Bureau, he was the only Duke with enough land for a one turn fox hunt.

 
Calder: Latin for old people

 
Golden Gate Fields: The origin of Golden Gate is Latin: “shortus fieldius mia Baze onus the chalkus”

 
Great Lakes Downs: Widely credited to a rare Huron Indian saying, “fix race”

Les Bois: French for “Pig Sled Park”

 
Oaklawn: Without a grass course for a track with “lawn” in its name, this one is quite perplexing. The origin of Oaklawn is actually credited to an Arkansas double-wide trailer owner named Lon. At one time Lon owned the land where track now sits. Lon had an oak tree in his front yard. Part of the purchase agreement for his land, in addition to a lifetime supply of Skoal and Natural Light, was that the track be named Oaklon. Later as a compromise, he agreed to alter the language to call it Oaklawn after also receiving a two year supply of Mountain Dew, Jimmy Dean sausage patties, and a vat of extra long Slim Jims®.

 
Ruidoso Downs: Ruidoso is part of an old Hopi Indian saying: “One that runs fast in straight line for purses of little Wampum”

 
Tampa Bay Downs: Cuban connotation meaning, “jockey ban without probable cause”

 
Thistledown: Dates back to an ancient Greek prefix. The root “thistle” meaning “dump” or more loosely translated, “poop-hole”

Due to an anonymous contact at the U.S. State Department, I was able to secure a copy of the tape recorded transcripts from a May 7^th encounter at the Oval Office between Calvin Borel, George W. Bush, and Queen Elizabeth:

GW: Hey Calvin, I like nicknames, so I’m gonna call you, “Cal”.

CB: Yessir.

GW:  Cal, Congrats on winning the Louisville Derby. You must be thrilled with winning the most prestigious American race. It’s a great race. Not like the those sissy races they run in France the wrong way.

CB: Yessir, it was my lifelong dream to win the Kentucky Derby. Never in a million years would I have thunk it were possible for me to win this here race.

GW: I heard you are basically illiterate and wanted to personally thank you for your commitment to avoiding pre-marital sex. It’s the best way to prevent diseases.

Unidentified White House Staffer: Mr. President, Mr. Borel has a tough time reading because he is essentially illiterate. I believe you are confusing the terms, “illiterate” and “celibate”.

GW: [giggles like a four year old that took a cookie without his mother knowing]. Cal, I’ve made it clear from day one I have no interest in reading. Don’t you feel bad about that one bit! You aren’t missing a thing!

CB: I ain’t feeling too bad about it sir. Thanks for you concern.

GW: Atta boy slim! So where are you from?

CB: Louisiana, born and bred.

GW: I had a friend that used to work down there, Brownie. He was doing a “heckueva” job down there with the whole Katrina thing. I like Brownie a lot. You’d like to him too Cal, he was a horse guy before I made him the head of FEMA. He didn’t race horses, but he was a show horse guy. The liberals made me fire him because people didn’t have power, food, water, safety, shelter, or any hope for a decent life and they called him names like inept. I was totally bummed, but he’s doing fine.

CB: Yessir, what an awful storm that was.

GW: So, how did you get your start riding horses?

CB: I started on small bush tracks back home at a very early age. I’ve been ridin’ horses all my life.

GW: I don’t own any racetracks Cal, so I’m a little confused.

GW: So tell me little man, what are you planning on doing now that you’ve won the Derby?

CB: I reckon I’ll be doing the same thing I always did-ride horses and enjoy life. This ain’t gonna change me one bit. I turned down a chance to be on Jay Leno because I needed to work some horses for my brother.

GW: Tiny, I’m glad you did. Leno is always making jokes about me. I’m the President of the United States and no one should say mean things about me because I’m always right.  

GW: Tiny, how would like to meet her majesty, the Queen of England?

CB: Ah shucks, that would be just great. Unreal! Me, Calvin Borel, meeting the Queen!

GW: Calvin, her majesty, the Queen of England.

CB: It’s a pleasure to meet you ma’am.

QE: The pleasure is all mine young man. Congratulations on winning the Kentucky Derby. It was a marvelous race, you must be so proud.

CB: Yes Ma’am, thank you kindly.

QE: I’ve been attending the races at Royal Ascot for 265 years. I enjoy it so. I almost enjoy as much as having my Butler make me afternoon tea or when my servants brush my teeth at night.

GW: [barely audible in background speaking to a staffer] I told you she was really old.

CB: Yes Ma’am, I reckon that must be quite nice.

QE: I love the sport of Kings. I have the exclusive rights over all of Dog racing, it’s the sport of Queens you know, but I find the horse races to be so much classier. Dog racing has this strange little wager called a ‘Quinella” that I find very childish. I do recall one year the management team at Biscayne Kennel Club cordially invited me to visit. I had my personal letter writer respectfully decline the offer.

GW: Have you ever been to the horse races in France? They’re sissies! [snickers-the others ignore him like he is a child-it’s best not to encourage him].

GW: So, QEII, Cal, let’s say we head out to this formal dinner. I hope it’s steak tonight, I love meat. The chocolate cake is great for dessert. I told my guy Raul in the kitchen to bring out the chocolate cake since Lizzie is here and it’s a special occasion. Let’s also hope there are no liberals there.

CB: I can only eat six raisins, a carrot stick, and half a race cake, but steak sure do sound nice!